If we know anything about antiquity, is that it is SEXY - Hollywood tells us this. If films are to be believed ancient Greece, Rome and Egypt were chock full of sexy men and sexy ladies being hot and sweaty and doing dirty and beautiful things to each other.
Exhibit A:
Exhibit B:
Exhibit C:
Exhibit D:
Sweet Jesus. I'd excuse anyone for abandoning this post right now and watching Troy instead. For those of you who have stayed we're now going to count down some real life Roman emperors and rank them based on attractiveness. Today I will be counting down my first 5 and then returning in two weeks time for the others.
Now whilst of course we can never really know what any of them looked like, we have a pretty good impression of most of them and naturally we will not be discounting personality - as any good ancient historian knows an Emperors reputation was everything! Now some of them are indeed thought to be pretty terrible people, but everyone loves a bad boy, right?
#1 Hadrian
14th Emperor of the Roman Empire, 117-138 AD.
Whilst Hadrian is of course most famous for his eponymous wall, he is also known as the man who brought the beard back to Rome! During the days of the Roman Empire facial hair had fallen quite out of fashion, that is until Hadrian began growing out his chin pubes and before long they were all the rage again - he is basically the hipster of antiquity. He's also pretty well known for being a good guy; he hardly stabbed anyone in the back and was said to be very hands on with his soldiers. Hadrian is a stand-up, rugged, hairy, down to earth man and if you need any more convincing check out his bust - he looks pretty dishy if you ask me.
#2 Augustus
1st Emperor of the Roman Empire, 27 BC - 14 AD
As first proper Emperor and founder of the Roman Empire with a lengthy 40 year reign under his belt, Augustus gets points for pure POWER. He waged war on Antony and Cleopatra, expanded the Empire on a dramatic scale from Africa to Germania and basically invented being an autocratic Roman Emperor, entering Rome into the Pax Romana, an era of relative peace that lasted over two centuries - this guy was a serious overacheiver! He was also, if we're to believe his own press, pretty cute. Augustus portrayed himself as a cherub haired, angular jawed, perfectly symmetrical symbol off youth and divine good looks, and who are we to argue?? If you're into purported gods among men with impressive CVs, the artist formerly known as Octavius is definitely the guy for you.
#3 Caligula
3rd Emperor of the Roman Empire, 37-41 AD
On the other hand, if sexually deviant, murdering, supposedly insane, tyrants are more your thing, then look no further. The popular lyric 'Live fast die young, bad Emperors do it well' (that is how it goes, isn't it?!), basically typifies Caligula's reign. If rumours are to be believed then Caligula's favourite pass-times were shagging or killing anything with a pulse and after less than four years in power he was unceremoniously bumped off at the grand age of 28. For those of you who like the finer things in life, Caligula's middle name was extravagance with the majority of his power used to build lavish palaces for himself and buy shiny things to fill them with. All the ingredients are here - lust, bloodshed, insanity - Caligula was Rome's ultimate bad boy and you can't deny that makes him pretty sexy.
#4 Domitian
11th Emperor of the Roman Empire, 81 - 96 AD
Completely the opposite to Caligula's outlandishness, Domitian is somewhat of a mystery man. He is the classic brooding, enigmatic type of dude, who supposedly preferred solitude and writing poetry. He is said to have lacked natural charisma, displayed an odd, self-deprecating sense of humour and often communicated in a cryptic manner. Suetonious described him physically as tall and handsome with large eyes. *Swoon* Ooh he does sound so very dark and sensitive and mystifying. In other words: hot - especially if you're the kind of person who went through a serious Edward Cullen phase in around 2007. Now some histories claim him to have been somewhat of a tyrant, but for the purposes of this excercise we'll ignore that and image him as the smart, strange and sexy individual painted by my description.
#5 Commodus
17th Emperor of the Roman Empire, 180 - 192 AD
Now, I won't lie, this pick is most definitely heavily influenced by my deep-seated love for Joaquin Phoenix who played Commodus in Gladiator. Just as Commodus serves as the main antagonist in the film, he is rumoured to have been a bit of a bastard in real life too. He very much enjoyed killing people and animals for sport and spending huge sums of state money on putting on extravagant games - in many of which he was the star of the show as a gladiator. Like Caligula before him, Commodus is generally seen as a bad and misbehaved Emperor and again, just like Caligula, ended up being assassinated - strangled in the bath aged 31. However he is also known for his extreme good looks and impressive physique - now you're talking! In conclusion JOAQUIN I LOVE YOU, you are basically the sole reason for Commodus appearing on this list.
Thank you so much if you stuck to the end, I really hope you enjoyed this and found it both amoosing and informative! See history can be fun. :P
Watch out for part two coming shortly! Lots of love to you all,
Daisy.
You do know that the statues were made to look perfect. It is like Herodotus writing stories that were heavily obscure are romanticized. If you project their remains they will be seen having bad skin, etc.
ReplyDeleteIt could be better if you simply used historical sources that were proven to be realistic enough and base it on them.
Super cute, and light. Sometime this is all it takes to get someone curious about history and more in depth into historical sources. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteFor me, it has to be Julian II (Flavius Claudius Iulianus): funny, good, loveable (his writings, including some letters, survive), as well as fairly good-looking.
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